Books
How to Find and Keep a Gay Man: 69 Spicy Tips for Lasting Love
Hello, you gorgeous gay man! The truth is anyone can swipe right and find someone to spend a hot second with. But lasting love―the kind that shows up with coffee on a rough morning, listens when you tell the same ole' story at dinner parties, and promises to love you forever and ever amen (and actually keeps that promise)―well, that's rare.
But what if it's not as hard as you think?
As a life coach who's seen it all, from wedding bells to heartbreak hotels, Matt Bays delivers the ultimate guide for the modern gay man looking to find and nurture lasting love. With 69 honest and entertaining essays, How to Find & Keep a Gay Man is your new best friend in the world of gay dating. This guidebook is filled with thoughtful reflections, heartwarming affirmations, and REAL BIG TIPS for keeping things fresh, fun, meaningful, spicy, and even a little dirty! The ins and outs (iykyk) of dating in the gay world are all here, and darling, they are queer AF… so get used to it.
Can't seem to stop chasing the wrong guys? Then honey, this book is for you! It's time to figure this out, fight for your worth, and find the man of your dreams.
Because YOU are worth it, queen.
Love you. Mean it.
What readers are saying about How to Find and Keep a Gay Man
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Hello, darlings—it’s me, Mrs. Kasha Davis (a married lady!). And I just celebrated 22 years with my love, Mr. Davis.
When I dove into How to Find and Keep a Gay Man, I was looking for new ways to keep our marriage alive, and what I found instead was a mirror. Both Mr. Davis and I were previously married to women, came out later in life, and had to find self-love first.
This book is fun, sassy, and the real deal. It’s written like a drag mom talks to her daughter… direct and loving. I heard echoes of our relationship in these pages and couldn’t help but connect with its message about self-love as the foundation for any relationship.
For me, that meant getting sober; for others, it’s about getting real with who you are, what you want, and where you’re willing to be flexible. Take the chance. Read the book. Be open and willing to love—and be loved. It’s worth it!
—Mrs. Kasha Davis, drag performer and star of RuPaul’s Drag Race & Drag Race All Stars -
This book is a whole damn experience—hilarious, provocative, and wise without ever trying to be. Matt Bays is a delightfully funny and reflective writer, often disarmingly vulnerable, with a tone that immediately puts you at ease. How to Find and Keep a Gay Man isn’t just another ‘how-to’ book. It’s the most fun I’ve had getting my ass kicked since that one weird night in Wichita.”
New York Times bestselling author of When God Made You
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Where was this damn book when I was crying in a West Village bar over yet another ghoster who “wasn’t looking for anything serious”—after three dates and a sleepover?!
Matt’s book is equal parts sass, soul, and sacred gay gospel. As a Breakthrough Coach and married gay man, I know how much courage it takes to stay out there—vulnerable, messy, and still believing in deep-as-hell love.
Matt isn’t just giving tips—he’s giving truth. The kind that lovingly slaps you across the face and hands you a mirror. Whether you’re freshly single, tragically hooked on Grindr, or clinging to a man who won’t share his fries—read this.
If I’d had this book in my NYC single days, I might’ve dodged a few disasters (and saved a fortune on therapy). This isn’t just a book. It’s a survival guide for the gay heart.
—Nando Rodriguez, Breakthrough Coach, Husband, Proud Stable Gay
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Equal parts wisdom and WTF—this isn’t just a dating book. It’s a mirror, a megaphone, and a whole damn mood for anyone serious about finding real love. Matt Bays spills the tea, throws some shade, and still manages to serve up real advice that hits where it counts. Whether you're single, partnered, or just figuring it all out, this flirty, fierce, and full-of-heart guide is like your gay best friend in hardcover—ready to tell you the truth and cheer you on every step of the way.
—Stefan Arestis and Sebastien Chaneac, of the Nomadic Boys travel blog and co-author of Out in the World: The Gay Guide to Travelling with Pride
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Looking for—and holding onto—love doesn't have to be a nightmare. Matt Bays' hilarious, heartfelt, and road-tested tips are all you need to successfully make the journey from hopelessly horny to happy husband.
—Noah Michelson, Director of HuffPost Personal and Co-host of HuffPost's Am I Doing It Wrong? podcast -
Matt Bays is a gift, and How to Find and Keep a Gay Man is essential reading for any gay single navigating the fierce, fabulous, and often fraught world of modern dating. With practical insights, hilarious anecdotes, and the gentle tone of a trusted friend, this book offers a compassionate guide to building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
—S Rev. Brandan Robertson, Author, Queer & Christian: Reclaiming the Bible, Our Faith, and Our Place at the Table
Leather & Lace: a gay man, lost love, and a road trip with his dead sister
“I needed to find the gay boy, teenager, college student, and man I had always been, but didn’t know how to be.”
On the day of his sister’s funeral, while standing alone at her grave, Matt Bays tells the truth for the very first time; that he is gay. At forty-six years old, and with a highly religious worldview, Matt sets out on a powerful journey to grapple with this new reality and find the part of himself that was buried in his youth.
Together, Bays and his dead sister take to the open road, listening to ‘80s music and lying under the stars at the Grand Canyon. Her prevailing love had once given him the courage to come out. And now, after the heartbreaking end of a relationship he thought would go the distance, he is searching for her guidance once again.
In Leather & Lace, you’ll be taken into the harrowing past of a young gay boy, ride shotgun to his hilarious first attempts at hookup apps, meet The Ambassador of Scruff, fall in love with the undeniably beautiful Oh Henry, and rediscover the hope of finding an authentic and meaningful love connection.
Much more than just another road trip memoir, this heartwarming story of love, loss, and redemption will strike at the part of you that longs to be loved exactly as you are…if only by yourself.
What readers are saying about Leather & Lace
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Matt's particular gift is, as he puts it, 'calling people out of their hiding places.' When someone makes the decision to be this honest and vulnerable it creates a space for others to do the same. This book is unflinchingly honest and funny as hell. Get ready to ride shotgun on a journey of grief, self-discovery, and love.
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This is not just a coming-out story. This is the life of a man who has seen and felt some of the most painful experiences life can serve up, written with a magic that reflects the humanity in us all. It's an eco-system of grief, love, loss, and laughter.
I recommend this book to anyone with a heart. It will make it race and break and mend and sing. Buy two. Or three. You'll be giving them as gifts because that's just what it is. A gift.
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Poignant, witty, transparent, moving. I found myself chuckling at the witty humor, paused in my thoughts (and sometimes completely stopped in my tracks) by the poignancy of the so well written thoughts and words, heartstrings tugged at several moments throughout, and Matt’s relationship with his sister was precious.
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This book speaks so honestly and openly about being a part of the LGBTQ+ community while growing up with a conservative evangelical background as so many have had to do. The author embarks on a funny, raw, and truthful journey to find his true self with the clouds of fear, shame, and betrayal that conservative Christianity has put over people in this community’s heads for far too long. It is relatable to people in all walks of life as well in that loving oneself is your business and your truth is beautiful.
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A wonderful book. Both easy and painful to read. You will be laughing and crying. I couldn’t put it down. It’s a story about Matt Bays, his beloved sister Trina and getting comfortable with who he is in this moment. And who he has always been. It’s about coming out but more than that it’s a story of all the pain, the joys, the loss and the wonderment about being ones authentic self. Brave. Honest. Raw. Spiritual. Funny. BUY IT!
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Best book I’ve read all year. Matt Bays tells his story with humor, honesty, and a deep compassion for his younger self and all in he LGBTQIA community. Profound, hilarious, heart-breaking, and heart-healing. And the writing is incredibly paced and lyrical.
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LEATHER & LACE is a memoir that examines shame-based fundamentalist doctrine. Over thousands of miles, Matt examines his place in the LGTBQ+ community and his relentless hope for new love. Topics include grief, online dating, death, suicidal thoughts, God, sex, and loss. A very important read for anyone deconstructing or those within or who support loved ones in the LGTBQ+ community.
Finding God in the Ruins: How God Redeems Pain
When the reality of your pain doesn't line up with what you've been taught in church, then what? While many abandon their faith or embrace hopelessness it is possible to discover the God who heals your heart in the midst of the pain.
Matt Bays has been where you are. His unforgettable stories of loss and healing will usher you into a life where gratitude overpowers anger, hope overcomes despair, and hunger for God replaces indifference to God. With a fresh and original writing style, Bays demonstrates that true redemption is far more powerful than the temporary fixes of sanitized Christianity.
What readers are saying about Finding God in the Ruins
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A unique gift, a rare invitation to listen to a hauntingly beautiful story where the darkest experiences of a person’s life are redeemed. While he wields the sensibilities of an artist and the words of a poet, Matt bluntly exposes the beauty buried in the brokenness of the world. Be prepared. This isn’t a book about clichés, easy answers, or simple faith. Finding God in the Ruins is a tenacious, relentless, and courageous pursuit of redemption that doesn’t go around the pain, hoping to get by with less heartache by tenderly skirting the edges of a wound. Rather, Matt takes us on a deep dive right into the heart of pain where, surprisingly, we find ourselves in the heart of God.
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Chock-full of wisdom and insight, Matt Bays delivers a deeply moving account of pain, doubt, and ultimately hope. Bays delivers his powerful message with wisdom, humility, and heart. I am certain his stories will stay with me long after I’ve turned the last page. Powerful. Deeply human. Unforgettable.
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Finding God in the Ruins will make readers shift in their chairs. Some will be tempted to scoot back from the table just as the conversation gets going. I think that’s a good sign. This book is for people who have been afraid to tell the truth, afraid to look a painful past in the eye, afraid to speak uncertainties about God. By laying his own painful story plainly in the light, Matt is going first and making space for us to lay our own stories right there beside his. His writing is both powerfully poetic and accessible, and will make you laugh and cry in succession. Finding God in the Ruins is the start of a desperately needed conversation, giving believers and unbelievers alike permission to be real and to be on the lookout for hope and redemption in unlikely places.
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I don’t have adequate words to express how I feel about this book. I’m not sure it’s a book for everyone, but if you’ve ever questioned God, been angry with God because of the circumstances you’ve found yourself in, are more hurt than comforted by well-meaning people giving you cliche answers in the midst of your pain and doubt, then I think you may relate to this book. I read it over 3-days and admit I would have finished it faster had I not needed to re-read and highlight, as well as wipe the tears from my face.
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Matt Bays knows about pain and suffering, and writes about it with the raw transparency of someone who has experienced deep loss. But this book exhales genuine hope on every page, pointing to the expansive God who sits with us when we are lost, weeping with us and helping us to finally find our feet again. If you are sitting in the midst of failure and loss, pick up this book and find the God who is already there with you.
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Gritty, raw, vulnerable, and even at times uncomfortable, Finding God in the Ruins tackles the pain and brokenness of this world with the kind of compassion that lifts the veil of shame, allowing God to expose himself to the heart of humanity. Matt Bays is a brave soul who isn’t afraid to search, to question God, and to sit with you in your pain as you slowly, gently, find yourself wrapped in the arms of a God who loves you beyond what you ever thought possible.
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If you struggle with God, have a ton of questions, have no time for cliché answers, but still long for hope, you are going to thoroughly enjoy the journey Matt Bays is taking you on through his own story. If you like things neat, tidy, and orderly, don’t you dare turn to the next page.
