Why Friends Leave

I was a pastor for 27 years. And people listened to what I had to say. Not everyone, but you’d be surprised at how many people will hear the word “pastor” and turn the dial to get a clearer signal.

During those 27 years, I was a gay man. Part of that time, I didn’t actually think I was…it was complicated because I didn’t realize that being gay (as in born gay) could actually happen. I thought it could only be the result of something having happened to you…abuse, overbearing mother, humiliating father, etc.

Anyway, I spent many years loving on people who were fine with me as a person—I think they even liked me. And I did things for them, supported them, poured into their lives and encouraged them.

And then I realized that for real, I was actually gay…not because of abuse or all those things, but because I had always been this way…was born this way la la la.

And that’s when people had to figure out what to do with me. Because as I mentioned, many of them liked me, but now they were faced with the idea that I was something they didn’t condone and they believed God didn’t condone either. But I had loved on them, you see. They’d seen me be selfless towards them and make time for them when they needed someone, and love on their kids, and go out of my way for them. All of this created a problem. The “What do I do with Matt?” problem.

I’m one of those people who is the glue in my relationships. I reach out. I propose get-togethers. If I don’t hear from someone for too long, I get on the horn or text in order to make that connection.

After coming out, that’s what I continued to do.

But many didn’t seem to know what to do with me now, because I was living as my true self…who just so happened to like men. Same guy. Same love. Same support and encouragement. Same light. But now they knew something about me they didn’t know before, tho I hadn’t actually changed at all. I had been gay for all of those good things. As my friend Laura wrote in the foreword of my book:

“Nothing has changed—these people just know something they didn’t know before. But he (me) was gay for all of that. He was never not gay. If they’re struggling, the struggle is about them. About trying to reconcile who they know him to be with whatever bigotry and ignorance they’re carrying around. That’s the dissonance. This is not about who they thought he was or even about finding out who he really is. This is about them finding out who they are.”

So…what to do what to do what to do?

Some people no longer wanted to be friends, but they couldn’t ditch me simply because I was gay because that would call their bigotry into question and make them look bad. Still, they needed to move me out of their lives.

But how?

This is where it gets interesting.

Essentially, they would need for me to be a bad person. 🥳 In order to pull this off, they would need to create a storyline in which I had done something real bad to them. But please understand that, up to now, if I had hurt them, we’d sit down and talk it through, make amends, and continue on with the relationship. But this was never about moving forward in our friendship. This was about them letting go of or abandoning me because they didn’t know what to do with me. Or more to the point, they couldn’t handle their discomfort with how my sexuality coexisted with my spirituality. (It was almost always a religious thing.) So, villainizing was their answer—this made it easier to walk away. Again, this would keep them from having to self-reflect, own their bigotry, and face what they were like on the inside.

None of this was done with a level of self-awareness. It was an inside job with the goal being, let him go so I can be free of having to deal with my own stuff; it will be easier this way. He takes the fall, and I have a good reason for walking away.

But I kept reaching out to people, because like I said, I’m a connector. And because I’m actually good at loving people.

Many friends backed away quietly…and I had to accept that. It was painful, but it was part of the process. Many who were just acquaintances (that I had given time to professionally or as a minister) just kind of disappeared. Not fun, but also, part of it. But then there were those best good friends—those I was genuinely close to. Those were the ones that surprised me the most. A few stuck around—they didn’t care who I loved—while others found a way to make a monster out of me by telling bad stories over and over until they believed them. To them, I am now a person who is very messed up…suffering from some form of psychosis, narcissism…I’m uncaring, too loud, or I’ve been led astray from virtuous living and from god.

It saddens me of course, but again…acceptance. I know who I am. I know I’m the same guy. I know that my love and passion for life, for you, for myself, my friends and family has continued to grow since coming out.

So, this next part is for you; you Jesus people. Pay close attention.

You need some real help. Your only job was to love. And you’re not good at it. I think deep down you really want to be, but you keep getting stuck in the weeds of deciding who is worth it and who isn’t, and at the end of the day YOU are a “who” too.

You love to talk about how you don’t deserve the grace of god, you’re no better than anybody else, blah, blah, blah. But that’s not actually how you live. For real. Here’s the truth. You don’t live that way. Say it out loud: I don’t live that way. And that is just NOT okay. It’s your ONE JOB. Loving your neighbor—your really good friends. How come you’ve let yourself off the hook so easily?

You might be thinking, “I don’t think I’m that way.” But I’m over here knowing what it’s like to make a choice that people don’t understand and instead of them trusting the process or loving you through it, they create reasons to run away from you, to shame, dismiss, disparage you, or disqualify you as a good human being…all in order to protect themselves from owning their own bigotry, ignorance, and fear.

Now you know. Tuck that away and sit with it for a bit. Meditate on it. If the truth is truly what sets us free…you should consider this one of those opportunities before it’s too late. With this shit, you really only get so many chances before the lie you’ve allowed yourself to believe gets fired in the soul-kiln you’ve got going on inside of you.

Believe it. Or don’t. But maybe try.

Matt

PS…this is a reactionary post. Only fair to tell you what it’s a reaction to. I talk to a lot of gay guys who are coming out. Many of them are from religious backgrounds where people are against LGBTQ+ folks. And their close christian friends and family have abandoned them, accused them, and/or villianized them. So, not only are these guys wandering around during one of the most complicated times in their lives—attempting to come to terms with who they are and the major life transition ahead of them—they are also having to deal with you breaking up with them, withdrawing support, or going silent on them because you “don’t even know them anymore” or don’t understand their situation. Your frustration with them is not about them. It’s about YOU.

Fix this.